Unconscious fears of receiving love
This post is continued from the previous post: “LET FEARS COME UP IN THE SURFACE”
Around the beginning of September, I started feeling that spiritual blockages might be the biggest factor in creating my cancer and in delaying my healing.
Why? I have been quite confident in and feeling good about my diet and other everyday commitments, and I honestly feel that I am quite healthy aside from the cancer in my left breast. I can see that my physical health has been improving tremendously since I started changing my diet and lifestyle in May 2016. I have much more energy, my skin looks great (both in color and texture) and now I feel that I have very strong guts and digestive health. If these were the biggest factors of my cancer creation, I would have seen much more change in healing my cancer. But this hasn’t been the case.
That is why I start thinking that spiritual blockage might be a much bigger factor than I originally thought.
When I start feeling this, I came across three spiritual guides and healers and made appointments for their sessions. These three people came in the right time, and in the right sequence.
Calibration of Field of Consciousness
First, I have discovered Mr. Robert Smalley, who had worked with David R. Hawkins, MD., Phd. He offers calibrating individual’s fields of consciousness. I thought I would be interested in seeing where I am with my consciousness level because I have been reading David R. Hawkins, MD., Phd. books and it is all about where we are at with the Map of Consciousness. “Am I close to the healing energy field or already in?” That was my question.
When I had my calibration report back, I was kind of surprised how it shows accurately about my current place. For example, my report showed that I am extremely high with Health consciousness and Current level of Health.
According to his calibration I am quite close to 500, where is LOVE. That is where all real healing starts. I am close to it, but I have not been in the field where people can start experiencing the magic of self-healing.
I asked Mr. Smalley, “What do I need to do exactly to reach the level of LOVE.” His answer was “self-love” and to “let your ego go” and “bring your energy field to Heart chakra”
Though I was satisfied by knowing that I am quite close to the energy field of LOVE, I hit a wall again. “What can I do to give love to myself?” “What is self love?”
This is my biggest struggle since I was really young, because I had no role models in my life…. Who could show me or teach me what “real self-love” is. This has come up in front of me again… so I must learn how to “love myself” and learn what “self love” really means, because it sounds like a huge and mandatory piece of my cancer healing process.
Aura reading and healing session
Two weeks later from the report of consciousness, I had an Aura reading and healing session with Mr. Junichi Ogawa, who was visiting San Francisco from Japan. It was more than fortunate that my friend, who is also my breathing technique teacher, Sattee-san, introduced me to Junichi’s sessions.
Oh my goodness, his two hour session was one of most profound experiences I have ever had. Delightfully gentle, peaceful and quite pinpointed information he read from my aura. I never had an Aura reading before, so, I was a bit skeptical before entering to the space. But when I walked in and felt his compassionate energy field, I could immediately let my wall down.
It is impossible to write all about what his session gave me, which took two hours. One most important thing is that his session actually validated that I am on my right path. And the fundamental information that I need to discover and learn was “what is self-love” and “why I had such a challenge with that.”
What I learned is that Self-love is not only about giving love for myself, but also need to accept and receive love from others. One way of love cannot complete the function of Self-love.
I have been feeling much better about living as who I am ever since I found my heart back in my chest in one of my shamanic sessions last year. It allowed me to learn about and nourish myself. It lets me not be so harsh to myself as well. However, in Junichi’s healing session, I realized that I never learned how to receive love from others. I realized that I’d always had fear to receive love from others…. even from my husband. I unconsciously refused to receive LOVE from people who I love…….
How sad… But I was just deeply grateful that I could finally recognize this fear and my problem. This was a surprising discovery… but I realized that I was holding this type of fear in very deep place, unconsciously and almost all the time … constantly…..
Shamanic healing session with Sarah MacLean Bicknell
I do a lot of shamanic work with my mentors. Two days after the Aura session with Junichi san, I had an opportunity to meet another Sharman, Sarah MacLean Bicknell, who offered a shamanic healing session at my friend’s house.
It was just an hour session with her. But what I got was a huge answer that was all related to the discoveries that I had in the past 3 weeks. She said that she is known for great guidance. Yes, she gave me the answer and guidance which I finally needed to accept.
Let me go back to May 2016 before I continue here. The first healing session with my dearest mentor, Vonetta Taylor, in May 2016, we talked deeply about what I want to do and need to do in order to heal my cancer. We discovered and she said “Ran, you need to stop working so hard with everything you are doing and you should start oil painting again”
I love oil painting. It is something which I never needed to learn how to do. first time painted was when I was 14 years old in my junior high school, I could just paint like I had been doing it for years. I felt that it was my voice. Although I never feel confidence when I speak with my mouth, I could always feel that I could express my true expressions when I use oil and brushes. I thought that I was given oil painting to express myself as my voice.
I stopped Oil when I entered in my University because I choose to major in Japanese traditional painting. Long story short, this decision was disastrous, and one of a few of the worst decisions I have made in my life…I dropped out from my university because I could not feel any connection to japanese traditional painting among many other reasons, and since then, I’ve never painted.
My mother always told me that “If your passion is real, you would paint regardless the condition/circumstances you have”
Maybe, mom is right. Maybe, I tried to excuse it by creating so many reasons. But I couldn't paint because my life has always been hard since I left my parent's house in my early 20s. I had to live. I had to survive. I did not have any extra resources and space to paint.
Though I continue with small drawings and sketches here and there, I never spend real time on painting. My husband found that I love painting. He always supports what I want to do and gives me more than he should do. When I had my big birthday, forty, he gave me a beautiful set of oil colors, brushes and a palette. I opened an Oil tube and smelled it. It brought me back to the time when I was really happy.
But I could not start paining. The set of oils went inside of a drawer.
... Until I had these sessions and went over my past and discovered my fears, I was not sure why I could not commit to start Oil painting when I receive this gift from him or even when Vonetta told me I need to do that to heal my cancer.
Now I have found the answer so clearly,
When I was living by myself, I could not afford to do it because of time and money. I would not be able to do Oil painting without having someone’s support, specifically, my husband’s support after I married him. After marrying him, even though he never asked me to do it, but I personally felt that I had to continue to make my life - meaning I had to work for money and I was always busy to do my business.
He bought the oil set because he wanted me to paint. Now I know that he did not mind at all if I said, “darling, I just want to paint. Can I rely on you? Can I stop working? Is it okay if I do not make money?”
But I could not say that, I could not ask him that, because I had FEARS.
FEAR to fail, FEAR to not find success with painting, FEAR to feel the guilt of not working and FEAR to receive the unconditional love and support he offered.
Perhaps, I could manage some of those fears... but my biggest fear was “receiving a gift from someone” (Not in a material way, but as an unconditional offering).
You know children’s role models are usually their closest family, like parents.
I grew up in a very traditional Japanese family and the culture, where women’s value in families was somewhat repressed. Today, the situation may be much improved in Japan. But 40~50 years ago, it was quite different. It was probably the same in many Asian cultures. For example from our everyday life, my grandfather or father was always the first one to take a bath. Women in the house cannot take baths before them. It’s part of our culture that men are valued and come first. I think every family was somewhat similar, though there would be slight differences by the class by that time.
So, this is not my father or my mother's fault. Actually no one’s. But this cultural impact to family belief made me suffer for years. Because of that traditional family style and structure, a house-wife in japan did not have its own independent status or much freedom. I mean, a house-wife would need to “ask” for her husband’s money if she wants to do anything personal. Not like the domestic partnership we see here in America today, an equality regardless of the job states of each partner.
I remember that my mom told me these stories:
When my father was planning to travel for his job conferences, she asked him if she could come with him. He answered was “No, you cannot because you do not make money. How you could afford the travel expenses?”
I do not know how serious this conversation was. But I, at least, know she did not go to the travel. This story imprinted the information in very deep root within me, that of “If I do not make money personally, I should not do anything, I cannot do anything. I have no freedom if I do not have my own money.”
Another story. My mother also went to Art university and studied Oil. She continued painting until she had my younger sister. I still remember when she was painting and the smell. But she could not continue for many reasons. The biggest of which was raising three kids! We totally understand right? But her mom, my grandmother said to her, “We did not put you in the Art University to make you a housewife”
Although I know that our grandparent's intentions were totally positive by giving her the most modern education and wanted to give her education in the field which my mom loved. I somehow digested this story as “I must work.” “I must make money to be independent.” “My mom is not happy because she has to be a housewife and cannot continue her painting.”
These stories, in my eyes, project that my mother may have had a very hard time accepting things from others, especially from her husband. Today, I feel that she had to do that (not accepting love or gifts from others) to protect herself. To receive something from her husband was not unconditional. She had to ask or she had to feel that they are given by his will, not as love. So if she needs something from him, she would have to put up her pride for just ordinary simple favors. So, not asking or expecting receiving gifts was best way to protect her inner peace.
What I assumed about my mother’s situation had basically become my own fears on my unconscious level. Although, there are lots of more small impacts that made my fears even more fearful. But these are basically the main roots that my unconscious fear to accept receiving gifts from my husband stemmed from. I felt that receiving offerings from my partner would be losing my freedom or my pride. Though, I know my husband and my father are different. Now I also understand that it is my own story and my responsibility to understand how I received these stories of my parents.
Simple conversations that children hear from people around could deeply root without even knowing the outcome of after so many years. So deep, so much suffering. Of course, there are other sides, a bright side exists, too. Positive and lovely experiences we receive when we were children can serve someone’s life for long lasting time.
I share all these spiritual process with my husband.
I told him that I finally realize that I really want to do oil painting and I need his understanding, help and support. I said sorry that I kept the set of oil painting in the drawer for many years.
And he responded, “I am very happy for you. But you have to receive it with joy, not with a guilty feeling.”
I said, “yes,” and it made me teary-eyed because it took me so many years to learn to receive love without guilt or negative feelings.